


I made my own way, deciphering

by PepperCat



Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Drinking Games, Drunken Flirting, Ear Piercings, Innuendo, M/M, Never Have I Ever, Pre-Slash, Self-Denial, Unresolved Sexual Tension, and completely missing it, being flirted with, which were frankly not done properly but I'm sure everyone will be fine
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-14
Updated: 2017-02-14
Packaged: 2018-09-24 12:14:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,948
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9726323
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PepperCat/pseuds/PepperCat
Summary: Unplanned drinking games, and forfeits.





	

Lisa and Axel had come bounding into the safehouse while Hartley and Shawna were trying to figure out exactly what Shawna's teleporting did to electronics. It wouldn't have interrupted anything except that Axel upended a duffle bag over the table in front of the couch where they were both sitting, so that all the phones they'd used or been about to use for testing were promptly buried under what Hartley guessed was a couple dozen display cases worth of jewelry.

"I didn't know anything was planned," Hartley said cautiously.

"It wasn't Ice Dad planned," Axel said, glancing at Lisa. "But it worked out, and it was Lisa's idea, so I'm probably fine."

"Where _were_ you?" Shawna said, staring down at the pile. She got to her feet and reached out towards the jewelry, but didn't quite touch it.

"Altbach's," Lisa said. "Axel had something that could break their window glass--" she ran her hand over Axel's hair, and Hartley sniffed-- "so I thought we could go traditional."

"Straight-up smash and grab," Axel agreed, "grade-school stuff, right?" He looked at Hartley and Shawna. "--oh _come on_. You've never done that?"

Hartley thought of the door in the pipeline and then the data he'd gotten out with. Technically there'd been smashing and then grabbing, but... "Probably not like you're thinking," he said cautiously. "No."

"Probably," Axel echoed, laughing, taking the end of the couch that Shawna had vacated. "That's cute." Hartley shot him an irritated look and debated moving away, but Axel was already leaning towards Shawna, grinning up at her and waving at the jewelry. "You see anything you like, Boo?"

"Axel," Lisa said. She was pouring drinks.

"It can come out of my half. Honest, Boo, I don't mind." Axel picked up one of the drinks and passed it to Shawna. "For serious, never? Here."

"Don't tease, Axel. A girl doesn't have to have done everything you did," Lisa said. "I mean, _I_ never got caught at anything until I was old enough to drink. How about you?"

"I _totally_ got caught at things."

"Here you go." Lisa handed Axel a glass and was smiling at him, and Axel was giggling as he sipped.

"I never stole jewelry for a guy," he volunteered.

Lisa laughed and drank. "I did. Shawna?"

"I did," Shawna said. "Once." She took a sip. "Are we playing never have I ever? I've never been out of the Gem Cities on my own."

"What's _on my own_?" Axel said. Shawna shrugged, and he drank, then passed his glass to Hartley.

"I'm fine," Hartley said.

"You've been out of the cities on your own, right?"

"Yes, but--"

Axel smiled, sharp and weirdly sweet. "Come on, Pipes." And Hartley took a sip; just a sip. Whatever Lisa was mixing had whiskey in it, and better than he'd expected; there was an aftertaste in his mouth like the smell of earth in early morning on an autumn day. He thought about putting the drink down, but there was jewelry all over the table and the floor seemed awkward and he wasn't going to move to one of the other chairs, so he cupped it in both hands instead. "You should," he said, looking up at Shawna. "It's-- good to get out, sometimes."

Shawna shrugged. "What about you, Hartley?"

Hartley hesitated. Outside of technical work, he wasn't used to thinking about this--what he'd done, what he hadn't--in terms of _comparing_ it to other people. It took him a moment to switch to the right framing, and he stumbled on the first attempt. "I've never had a girlfriend?"

Axel frowned for a second before he drank. Lisa didn't. Shawna looked at him and laughed. "That's a gimme, Hartley," she said, but not annoyedly.

"Give me a minute and I'll come up with something better?"

"I'll hold you to that," Lisa said. "Never have I ever gotten dumped." She poured Axel another glass, since Hartley was still holding his.

"Are you lying?" Axel said.

"Are you going to call me on it?" She arched an eyebrow. "If you do and you're wrong then _you_ forfeit, and I pick."

Axel grinned and raised his glass to her, then drank. "I'll let it stand. Alright. Never have I ever..."

* * *

"...answered the phone during sex." Axel blinked at the responses. "Seriously, Boo?"

"It was _really bad_ sex."

  

"...drunk my parents' alcohol," Lisa said. "Oh my god, Hartley, _really_ , how are you the only one?"

"It would have been a _terrible_ idea," Shawna said.

"And I was just low on parents."

  

"...driven a car."

"You haven't? Seriously, Pipes? Okay, I'll show you. We'll head out tomorrow night'r something, I'll find you an automatic we can take for a spin, I promise, it is _so_ easy, you'd probably be good at it even if you're like Ice Dad about seatbelts--"

"I'm pretty sure you're supposed to be drinking, Axel."

"Right, right." Axel stretched his arm across the back of the couch, fingertips not quite close enough to touch the side of Hartley's neck. "Don't want you claiming a forfeit, right?"

  

"...been cheated on."

"...had sex in a library."

"...been too hungover to eat."

  

"...gone to college-- I mean, seriously enrolled."

Everyone else drank, and Hartley blinked at Axel. "Wait, seriously?"

Axel looked at him thoughtfully for a second, and then leaned towards him, elbow on the back of the couch. "You caught me," he said, and he was smiling, a casually provocative grin that made Hartley want to lean back and refuse to let himself do it. "What's the forfeit gonna be, Pipes? Got any ideas?"

Hartley hesitated. Shawna was swallowing back a laugh--he wasn't sure why, and he thought that if he looked over to her he could get a better idea, but he was feeling the drinks Lisa had been pouring and he was still trying to deal with one thing at a time, the one thing at _this_ particular time being Axel leaning _almost_ into his personal space--

"Oh, Hart, just tell him to finish his drink," Lisa said. "He's looking so thirsty."

  

"...chased anyone who was done with me."

Shawna's face fell, and Axel leaned forward and raised his hand before she could say anything, waving it in the air. "Hey, Lisa, do parents count? If parents count then I have _totally_ gotta drink, and that's okay, but I don't know what you mean, like--"

"Sure, of course," Lisa said, as Shawna was blinking hard. Hartley didn't move, thinking. Most of him was trying to figure out if Axel had noticed Shawna or was just being fortunately loud and _happening_ to give her a moment when no-one was looking, part of him was thinking that it wasn't as if he _talked_ about his phone calls to his parents and even if they were chasing no-one really knew--

Lisa was leaning towards Shawna, saying something soft and apologetic. Axel glanced at Hartley and raised his eyebrows. Hartley still didn't move. Axel smiled--quick and sharp--and looked back at the girls, and Hartley decided that even if he should have drunk it didn't matter that he hadn't.

"Never have I ever bothered to hide a hickey," Axel said, grinning, and then "Seriously, _all_ of you? Wimps."

  

"...fallen asleep in class."

"...dyed my hair."

"...gotten a piercing."

"...taken a car for a joyride."

"...blown a hole in Iron Heights with explosives."

"You're all a bit upset about the wimps thing, huh?" Axel took a sip of his drink, grinning over the edge of the glass, and his eyes flicked to Hartley. "Never have I ever lied during this game."

Hartley hadn't been expecting _that_. His first impulse was to drink, just to settle the lingerering unease over what was _technically_ a prior lie that Axel had apparently caught, but he was trying to figure out if the consequences of it coming up would result in anyone actually digging up what he'd lied _about_ , and then there was trying to figure out if he'd misread whether Shawna or Lias would actually care and part of him was trying not to laugh at himself over the whole situation...

"Piiiiiiper," Axel drawled, grinning, and Hartley blinked at him, still caught up in the tangle of worry and wondering, and then Axel was reaching over and plucking his glass out of his fingers.

"That's mine," he said, laughing and reaching for it. "Axel, give it back."

"You lied, Piper," Axel said. "And I'm calling you on it, 'less you wanna argue?"

Hartley leaned his head back against the couch. The room was swaying a little, but it was nice; not actually _spinning_ , more a kind of gentle rocking motion. "Uh-uh," he said cheerfully. "Absolutely lied. I was _about_ to dr-- drink for exactly that reason."

"Shoulda said so," Axel said. "Forfeit. _My_ forfeit," that last to Lisa and Shawna, who were both snickering.

"Forfeit what?"

"I get to pick." Axel leaned closer, and Hartley blinked at him. Axel was right next to him, and just looking, and his eyes were bright as pinwheel crystal and so much bluer. And he was _smiling_ , and the smile was... not something that Hartley was prepared to think about, dammit, it just wasn't.

"So pick already."

Axel's grin crept to one corner of his mouth. "Let me pierce your ear."

" _...what?_ "

Shawna dissolved into a flood of giggles.

"Let me pierce your ear," Axel said, shoving his glass and Hartley's down onto the table amid the jewelry and reaching over and running his fingers down the outside of Hartley's ear. His touch was cold from the drinks, and slightly damp, and Hartley felt goosebumps blossom down the side of his neck.

"Go for it!" Thank you, Lisa. Hartley didn't think Axel needed any encouragement, but the reminder that someone else was there was a little jarring. "He could use it."

"I know," Axel said, grinning. "I mean, he's cute, but he's kind of... plain, you know? Got no style."

"I've got plenty of style," Hartley said, struggling to sit up a little.

"Then one little earring won't be enough to ruin it." Axel had let go of Hartley's ear, was running fingers over the side of Hartley's neck and down into the hollow of his throat and Hartley decided he really had to sit up a little, or at least curl forward. "You okay with that?"

"Yes." He'd meant that for the run of Axel's hand along his throat, but he didn't suppose it was that different. "Heals... Heals up anyway, right?"

"Sure," Axel crooned. "Sure, right 'way. Shawna, can you get a needle and some ice?"

"Where's the--"

"I'll show you," Lisa said, getting to her feet. Hartley was sure anyone else would have been tottering right now but Lisa was turning it into a sort of dramatically graceful sway as she took Shawna's hand. Axel watched them go, still smiling, and pushed Hartley gently back into the couch.

"Should ask Lenny," Hartley said, giggling. "She calls him Lenny, you know." He looked up at Axel. "Why're you smiling like that?"

"'Cause I'm having fun." Axel twisted around and straddled Hartley, sitting across his knees. The couch was soft enough that the weight of it wasn't awkward; Hartley just felt like he was being pinned down against a pillow, not squashed. He tilted his head back and looked up at Axel. The man was _grinning_ , wide and bright, and Hartley wasn't exactly sure what Axel wanted but he was definitely thinking of leaning up and--

"You want me to miss?"

"What?"

Axel leaned closer and his breath was warm on Hartley's ear. "I can do a real convincing drunken miss, 'specially when everyone else is drunk. I promise. You don't..." He giggled, nuzzling the side of Hartley's face, and Hartley's breath was going quick over-- nothing he could pinpoint, really. The tease of Axel's breath on his ear, the heat of Axel's skin, the low charge in the air that was making his head tingle. "You don't have to, Pipes. 's just a _game_. Wouldn't make you bleed for a game, you didn't want."

"Does it hurt?"

"Not with ice." Axel's mouth is against his throat, now, the words shivering across his skin and Hartley's biting back something, he's not sure what, it _tickles_ and he's grabbing onto the couch and it's just a game, Axel said it's just a game, his mouth is dry but he's hanging onto that right now. "Little-- little harder to get through, but you won't feel it."

"Without ice?"

Axel rocked back a little, bumped his nose gently against Hartley's. He was being-- Hartley couldn't pick the right word for it, actually. Axel wasn't using his hands enough for Hartley to think of it as cuddly, but he was close and so warm. Hartley realized he'd opened his mouth, swallowed and licked his lips.

"Not so bad," Axel said. "Catching your finger in a door'd hurt more. Also," he lowered his voice a little, "you are prob'ly anaesthetized as _fuck_ right now." He giggled. "Can still say anaesthetized. 'm awesome."

"Could you do it now?"

"You don't mind a heavy safety pin 'stead of a needle, sure..."

Hartley put his hands on Axel's thighs, lightly, and Axel raised his eyebrows. The pants fabric was softer than denim, but thick; he wanted to imagine he could feel the warmth coming through and couldn't. But it helped to have something to hold onto that wasn't the couch. "Do it."

"Serious?" Oh, that grin, that grin was enough to make Hartley's fingers tighten. "Which ear?"

"Whichever." Hartley can hear Lisa and Shawna giggling in the kitchen, but the words keep slipping out of focus. He can hear Axel breathing so very near to him, too, and the sound of fabric sliding under his own fingers, feel the weight of Axel shifting against him. He's drunk, he thinks, but he's sure he'd rather get this done in something close to privacy. "Hurry up."

Axel turned his face to the right and took hold of his ear and Hartley was just thinking that the nice thing about Axel was that he didn't second-guess much when the pin sank in.

The thing about catching his finger in a door that he hadn't thought about--it wasn't the pain in your _hand_. It was that hot zither along your nerves that went up your arm and sank a point into your heart. _That_ was where the pain hit.

He hissed and felt his neck and jaw knot up as he fought the impulse to jerk away, dug his fingers into Axel's thighs and tried to breathe through his teeth. Heard the crackling split of tissue and blood vessels as the pin drove in, and then the stretch and tear of skin as the point came out the other side and--

\--how that sounds, you would _not believe_ what that sounds like, you wouldn't," through his teeth, over and over, and Axel was laughing and let go of his ear and the pin, raked both hands through Hartley's hair. Hartley heard that more than he felt it; the weight of his attention was still on the metal shoved through his ear and his hands on Axel's pants. One smooth, one rough. The pin wasn't heavy, exactly, just _there_ , and his ear around it felt like it wanted to shout...

"You okay, Pipes?"

"Oh I never let anyone do that," Hartley said, and Axel laughed, put his forehead against Hartley's.

"You saying I was your first, Pipes? That's sweet."

"You're weird."

"Uh-huh." Axel poked gently at the head of the safety pin and Hartley felt an echo of that zither again, closed his eyes. Axel's breath was light on his face. It smelled like earth and something sweet, a spilled cola bottle at a backyard picnic, and Hartley tried to remember everything they'd drunk and couldn't.

He thought of saying _you smell like summer_ and instead came out with "Get me an earring."

"You know you could just keep this in until it heals--"

" _Earring_."

"'Kay," Axel said, straightening up. "Just a second. Balance." He slipped to his feet, paused for a moment with both hands on Hartley's shoulders, then straightened up and reached back to the table, stirring one hand through the pile of jewelry. "Whattaya want?"

Hartley shrugged again, then considered that he should probably not pass on the opportunity to give Axel input. "Something small."

"Can do that." Axel lifted up his hand and let the jewelry tinkle and roll back down to the table between his fingers, then grinned. "'kay. Here." There was something small and shiny in his hand; the brightest part of it looked smaller than a rat's eye. "It's gonna hurt, but you'll look so good after."

Hartley snickered. "You sound like an eight-year-old trying to convince me she should get to put nail polish on me."

"Yeah?" Axel was straddling him again, drawing the pin out, and Hartley set his teeth. "Did it work? She get to paint you up?"

"She was very-- ow!" That zither of pain again. "--stubborn."

Axel let out a sound that was something between a groan and a purr. "That all it takes?"

"Special case." Hartley blinked as Axel turned his head to the side again. He felt like he'd forgotten something, but the stroke of Axel's fingers kept distracting him and he couldn't pin it down. "Are we still talking about makeup?" he said hesitantly.

"Sure, Pipes." Axel laughed. "There you go." He turned Hartley's head back to center. "You're bleeding, but it'll be fine, you wanna keep it in."

"What'd you give me?"

Axel shrugged. "Something gold," he said. "Pretty stone. It's small. Like you asked." He ran his fingers down the edge of Hartley's ear, and Hartley shuddered and dug his fingers into Axel's thighs again.

"You've gotta stop doing that," he said.

"Or what?" Hartley blinked up at Axel. "You gonna keep it in?"

"I don't know," Hartley said. "I don't..." He imagined reaching up to touch his ear but that zither wasn't pleasant, and holding onto Axel seemed like a good idea when the world was spinning. Axel giggled softly and held his hand up, and Hartley saw the wet red dots on his fingers. "That's mine."

"You let me."

"Did you know?" he said. "Did you know when I lied, 'r did you... remember or figure it out later?"

"I knew," Axel said. "You were doing that thing where you try to think of how to lie so it won't really count--"

"What thing?"

Axel smirked. "Not teaching you your own tells, Pipes." He had one hand on Hartley's shoulder, was running a thumb down the side of his neck, slow stroke that was warm and shivery all at once, and Hartley decided not to argue and closed his eyes. "'s only when you're tired, anyway. Or drunk."

"Why didn't you call me on it _then_?" That's all he couldn't figure out. "Why didn't you call me out when you knew?"

"Because then everyone'd know." Axel speaking soft as he ever did, low and crooning. "You're drunk but I bet you didn't want that."

Hartley wanted to ask what Axel presumes to know about _what he wants_ , but before he can get something sharp enough pieced together Shawna and Lisa are back, and Axel was off him and backing away, giggling as Lisa swatted at him for not waiting and then shoved the ice she brought down the back of his shirt.

* * *

Axel and Shawna are having a conversation like a seesaw, back and forth. Hartley's leaning against the wall next to the door, breathing the night air. It tastes like it should be cold, but he doesn't feel cold.

Axel wins the argument, which is about that if you're drunk and walking, you fall down. If you're drunk and teleporting, it's maybe worse. Hartley thinks this is a very sensible argument. Shawna switches to pointing out that there's a perfectly good couch inside that doesn't need _any_ walking, not really, and it sounds like she might win with that one--

"I want to go home," Hartley said, clearly. "The rats. _I'm_ going home." He moved away from the wall and then he was back against it as someone talked about waiting. He didn't mind. The bricks were soft. Not couch-soft, but it didn't hurt to get pushed back into them.

More sounds-- _text you when we get there_ is part of it--and then there was the sound of dust in a whirlpool and Shawna was gone.

"Piper," Axel said, and Hartley opened his eyes. Axel was standing close enough that Hartley could step forward, put his hands on Axel's chest, slide them up and 'round the back of the other man's neck--see how Axel likes being distracted that way, _hah_ \--but he still couldn't feel the warmth of Axel's skin, or the chill of the night air, or...

Come to think of it, he really couldn't feel _anything_ like temperature. Or his nose. Or the tip of his tongue.

"You're not warm," Hartley said in disappointment, "doesn't feel right."

"Oh, Pipe-squeak." Axel sounded like he was holding back a laugh. Such a comedian, _always_ laughing. He had his hands on Hartley's sides, holding him close, and Hartley wasn't sure if that was for balance or because Axel was cold too... No, that didn't make sense. "You've got no fucking clue what's going on, do you?"

"'ll figure it out," Hartley said. He was obscurely annoyed; not about that being true, but about having gotten himself into a state where he couldn't hide the fact that _Axel Walker_ was more aware of what was going on than he was.

"Sure." Axel's hands were sliding up and around his back, and Hartley leaned back into them, looked up and tried to make sense of Axel's expression. He heard something unhappy, but all he was seeing was a flash of teeth, warm and white. "You let me know when you clue in, Pipes."

Hartley frowned. "Something wrong?" He tried to put a hand on Axel's face and missed and ended up resting it on his shoulder. There was a faint prickle from the spikes on the other man's coat. "I can fix it," he said. Of course he could. "What is it?"

"You're _smashed_ ," Axel said. Definitely frustration, that fine behind-the-teeth whine, although Hartley still had no idea why. He leaned forward and up, trying to get a better look at Axel's face, got almost close enough to kiss and then Axel was pulling Hartley's wrists away and holding them up and stepping back. He was laughing, but it wasn't a happy sound.

"What's so funny?" Even Axel had to have a reason to keep laughing like this, that odd strained noise with his heart going so fast.

"Nothing," Axel said. "Whole lot of absolutely nothing not happening nowhere notime at all. Jesus." He put one of his arms around Hartley's shoulders and started guiding him down the sidewalk, but when Hartley turned to lean into him Axel let out that pinched laugh again and pushed him straight. "Don't touch me, Pipes," he said. "Not right now. Not going there."

"Going where?"

"Just home, Piper. That's all."

* * *

Hartley wakes up on his bed, still dressed in last night's clothes, curled on his side on top of the covers. His jacket's off and pulled over him like a blanket, but his boots are still on. Some of the rats are there; Squeaks is huddled under his jacket against his wrist, and Bandersnatch is curled up against the back of his neck.

The wound in his ear is singing low, like a promise.

**Author's Note:**

> Title's from a Pablo Neruda poem, "[Poetry](http://www.sharonsinger.ca/poem.php?poem_id=256)"; it's from the second stanza. I picked it in part because I like the description of fumbling towards something without really having the tools for it, and in part because the cadence of "I made my own way, deciphering" echoes the cadence of a lot of lines from Leonard Cohen's "Hallelujah".
> 
> (The other title I was thinking of was "there's a crack in everything/That's how the light gets in", which is Leonard Cohen but _not_ "Hallelujah", it's from "Anthem". (This probably isn't interesting. But titles are _really hard_ for me, and I'm hoping that by writing out how I stumble towards them they'll get easier.))
> 
> The initial version of this had Mark as well, and Lisa starting the game in part to defuse the squabbling, but I trimmed it down.
> 
> (Put _way_ more thought into which ear Hartley got pierced than either he or Axel did. That was probably silly.)
> 
> I think the next one I work on is going to be more from Axel's POV. There's a very particular note I was trying to hit with him--interested, unintentionally slightly predatory, ultimately protective--and I think Hartley not wanting to credit the interest (on his part or Axel's) made it hard for that to get through.


End file.
